


Let's Play Ball

by EndoratheWitch



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series, Batman: The Dark Prince Charming (Comics), Harley Quinn (Comics), The Joker - Fandom
Genre: Baseball, Black Widow from the 1960s Batman show, F/M, Gotham City - Freeform, Metropolis (DCU), No abusive, Nonabusive Joker and Harley, Oral Sex, Sex cause of course, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2020-10-06 10:07:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20505197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndoratheWitch/pseuds/EndoratheWitch
Summary: Sex romp with some baseball





	1. Ball Practice

“Tonight on our show, The World's Most Violent Criminals, we are going to be talking about mass murderers, serial killers, and the women who love them. Who are these people? Why do they do what they do? Is there a way to find one before they strike? Plus, we’ll examine the women, and men, who fall in love with these people. What is the attraction? Is it a form of cultism? And how do these romances end? All of this and more tonight on: The World's Most Violent Criminals.” 

The host, an older man with hair that looked artificial, gave the camera a serious expression before the screen switched to a crime scene photo and the announcer began to discuss the crime of some serial killer or other. The television show droned on while Joker and Harley watched, sitting together on the couch cuddled up close. Their legs were covered by a shared purple blanket, printed with tiny juggling clowns on it. Harley, her golden blonde hair loose around her shoulders with two barrettes (one purple, one pink) in her hair on either side of her forehead holding back just a little bit of her hair, wore a pair of pink panties with hearts and a tiny pink t-shirt that read “I tried to be normal once, worse minute of my life” across her breast. She had one of her legs across Joker’s while her bare foot stroked his foot under the blanket, her toes lightly brushing along the top of his foot. Joker, his thick green hair a loose mess of curls laying gently across his head, having air dried after their shower, wore a pair of yellow and purple polka dot boxers and a purple t-shirt that read, ”That’s a Horrible Idea! What time?” on his chest. He smiled, while with one hand under the blanket, he stroked Harley’s thigh. He liked touching her, like the softness of her skin, but he mostly liked the way her skin felt pressed up against him. He also liked nights like this when the two of them were just cuddling. He would never admit it--Batman could beat him within an inch of his life and he would never admit it--but he enjoyed these times with Harley. 

Harley reached over to pick up her drink from where it sat on the table beside her and took a sip. She sucked her soda through her straw and watched the host, one of those older men who always looked like they should be professors or police detectives she thought, but with too perfect hair that always made Harley think of motorcycle helmets or bad movie mobsters. To be fair, she thought, most of the mobsters she had met in Gotham had that look, maybe more expensive suits, but a lot of them had that fake looking hair. She wondered briefly is they all went to the same hair stylist? 

She set her drink aside with a glance at Joker. A frown had fallen over his features and he glared at the TV; clearly something was bothering him. She didn’t say anything, but instead she waited quietly for him to tell her. When he was upset like this, he would eventually tell her if she waited long enough. 

Joker stroked her thigh absently as he frowned at the show. When it went to commercial, he turned to look at Harley. “Harley, as my doctor, I’m a mass murderer or a serial killer?” 

Harley glanced sideways at Joker, her lips pursed in thought before she answered. “Hmmm, I would say both puddin. A mass murderer doesn’t usually have a reason, and they kill a lot of people at once in one place--which you’ve done. A serial killer kills a lot of individual people, but they tend to kill over a long period of time in different locations. Serial killers tend to take breaks between kills, which you’ve also done...so both.” She tapped her finger on her chin. “Actually puddin, you defy categorization. You are your own thing, because you never act the same twice. As far as your crimes go puddin, it’s always a surprise. The only thing your crimes have in common is that they are never common and never follow a pattern.” She grinned, her eyes bright with admiration. “And they are always funny.” She smiled happily. “My overachieving puddin! Always working so hard to be not just the best, but unique!” 

She giggled, reaching over to place a kiss against the corner of his mouth “I’m so proud of you!” 

Joker smiled, happy with Harley’s diagnosis. “Aw, thank you sweets, you’re gonna make me blush!” 

Harley laughed and the two of them returned their attention to the show, but when the host mentioned a list of the world's most prolific killers, Joker sat up straight. “There’s a list?? I didn’t know there was a list!” He turned to look at Harley. “Harley! There’s a list!” He pointed at the television. 

Harley frowned. “People like to make lists for everything puddin. It gives them a false sense of control. They don’t really mean anything.” 

Joker stuck his bottom lip out. “But if there’s a list, that means there’s a ranking...and that means there’s competition!!” 

Harley sighed, she knew exactly where this was going. “Puddin, now don’t start worrying about some silly old list put together by silly people. You need to focus on the game tomorrow afternoon instead. That’s going to be fun, remember? Don’t worry about some weird looking host talking about some stupid list.” 

Joker continued to pout. “But Harley, if there’s a list, I need to be on the top of it!! No one is better than me!” He put his hand against his chest, looking shocked. “What if I’m not even on the list?!” 

Harley giggled and turned to cup Joker’s face between her hands. “Puddin, no one is better than you. You are the best killer anywhere, the most prolific, the most handsome, the funniest, and the sexiest,” she said with a little growl in her voice. “No one tops you puddin--no one. And I don’t need a stupid list to tell me that; no one in Gotham needs one either. Everyone knows you’re the best puddin.” She wrinkled her nose at him playfully. “Everyone is scared of you puddin, even Batman.” 

Joker gave her a weak smile, but he still looked worried. “You think so sweets? You really think Batman is scared of me?” 

Harley purred. “I know it for a fact puddin. If he wasn’t scared of you puddin why would he start hunting for you the moment you escape Arkham every time? He’s always scared what you’re gonna do!” She giggled. “He scurries around Gotham trying to find you because he’s scared.” 

She pulled him close, her hands squeezing his cheeks to puff his red lips out like a fish as she pulled him to her and kissed him. Joker sighed happily, kissing her in return, his tongue playing with hers. He reached out to put his hands on her waist, sliding his hands along the space under her shirt, feeling the soft warmth of her skin. Kissing her always relaxed him, always calmed him when he became upset. The feel of her lips, the taste of her tongue, the press of her body against him...Harley was perfect. He brushed the tips of his fingers against her skin, tickling her gently. She giggled, wiggling a little, and rubbed her nose against the tip of his long, pale nose in return as she whispered. “Feel better now puddin? Did I kiss it all better?” 

Joker giggled. “Nope, a kiss is nice, but I think I need a little more cupcake. You know how fragile my ego is, since you are my doctor after all.” 

Harley giggled continuing to playfully rub her nose against his nose. “I thought tonight was TV night?” 

Joker tickled her sides, causing her to wiggle happily; his long fingers moved lightly against her skin, but he continued to stick his bottom lip out again. “Daddy needs to know he’s the best killer of them all, sweetie pie.” 

Harley smiled softly. “You are the best killer puddin, the very best. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with, you because you are the best.” She held his face in her hands, pulling him forward a bit more so she could cover his face in soft kisses until Joker was giggling. 

Harley smiled indulgently at him. “You are my best killer puddin.” 

Joker grinned at her, his blue eyes dancing. “Ah Harls, what would I do without you?” 

Harley giggled. “You wouldn’t be able to find your socks.” 

Joker chortled. “Well that’s very true!” 

Harley gave him one last kiss on the mouth before they settled back to watch their show again, but as the program progressed it became clear that the show’s host or the producers were not listing or discussing killers like Joker, killers with flair. Instead, they were focusing on boring, unimaginative murders such as Ed Gein or John Wayne Gacy, not Joker or Alberto Falcone, heck not even Mr. Zsasz and he was as dull as dishwater as far as Harley was concerned, but none of the killers they were covering had any style at all!! The only thing Gacy had going for him was at least he liked clowns! 

Harley glanced over at her puddin as the show progressed to see that he had his arms crossed over his chest and looked upset as he glared at the television, his bottom lip sticking out. She hated to see her puddin frowning like that. He should always be smiling! 

Harley flipped the blanket off and stood up startling Joker. 

“Harley! What are you doing?” he snapped glaring at her. 

Harley smiled and pulled her shirt over her head, grabbing Joker’s attention as her luscious breasts came into view. Joker’s frown slowly began to turn into a smile. “Now what are you up to, you little minx?” 

Harley smiled licking her bottom lip as she shimmied out of her panties. “Don’t ask so many questions Mr. J, just take your clothes off and lie back. Let your Harley put a smile on the face.” She smirked at him. “Doctor’s orders.” 

Joker grinned with a murmured, “Yes sir, Dr. Quinzel.” 

He stripped within seconds and sat back down on the couch, draping his arms over the back, his legs spread while giving her a mischievous grin. Harley just stood watching him for a moment, her eyes raking over his slender, pale body, taking in his lean muscles, his long legs, and his erection--which was just beginning to swell--making her lick her lips with pleasure. She sauntered over to Joker, moving her hips seductively, and drawing his complete attention. 

Joker watched the way her hips moved, watched the way her entire body moved, her smooth curves, the way her breasts--full and luscious--moved, the deep rosy pink of her nipples begging for his tongue. His eyes traveled down her torso over the soft roll of her flat stomach, down her long shapely legs, and back to the soft patch of light brown hair that curled at her sex, making his fingers twitch with the urge to run his fingers through those curls. Joker’s mouth watered as his body reacted, blood rushing to his already hardening erection. 

Harley stopped when she stood between his legs. Slowly, she eased down to her knees, at the same time she laid her hands on Joker’s knees squeezing a little before she ran her hands up his thighs. 

Joker shivered for a moment at her touch. The feel of her fingers on his skin made his erection harden more until his little clown was at full alert, quivering with anticipation. He licked his lips, watching as she moved closer, her blue eyes focused in a way that made him think of a predator stalking him, but then she smiled and he felt goosebumps race over his skin. He liked it when he was in trouble with Harley--she always made trouble so much fun. 

Harley locked eyes with him and slowly leaned in to run her tongue over his waiting erection. She started low and moved up his shaft slowly, running the tip of her tongue up to his tip before she flicked her tongue, causing his erection to bounce a little. 

Joker groaned in response to the feel of her tongue, warm and wet, sliding against him. Combined with her playful gaze, it was enough to make him jerk. 

Harley’s lips curved into a wide smile. The sounds of the television droned on behind her as she wrapped a hand around him, slid her hand slowly up and down his smooth, satin soft shaft before she leaned down and wrapped her lips around him. She sucked on him while she moved her hand up and down, enjoying the way the soft skin of the head of his erection felt in her mouth. 

Joker groaned again, digging his fingers into the couch as he watched her stroke his erection with her hand before she leaned down and kissed the tip of his shaft, her eyes still on him giving him a coy smile. His heartbeat quickened while at the same time his breath caught as she leaned down and wrapped her mouth around the head of his erection and slowly began to lower her mouth down on him, taking him into her mouth at the same time her tongue slid back and forth against the underside of his shaft creating a delicious tickle that he felt deep inside. 

Joker groaned louder. Harley’s lips were soft and she moved her tongue over him, licking him, then alternating with long, slow sucks that made him realize how much he belonged to her. 

Harley cupped him while she sucked on his erection and brushed her cheek against his pale inner thigh while she enjoyed herself. She loved having him in her mouth, kissing, and licking him while Joker groaned in response to her. There was something intoxicating about the power she had over him like this, but it was mostly that she loved pleasing him, loved how turned on he became when she ran her tongue over him. Harley peppered kisses down his length until she came to his testicles, where she ran her tongue up along the sensitive skin before wrapping her lips against him and sucking. 

Joker croaked on a gasp, pressing his back against the couch while one of his legs thumped against the floor. Harley giggled, moving around sucking until she had made a red and purple mark. Once she had made one mark, Harley needed to make more, sucking and licking until Joker was nearly vibrating with pleasure. She moved her love bites to his thighs, biting and sucking while her hand stroked up and down on him, stopping at the top of his shaft to roll the pad of her thumb against the head, feeling a slight stickiness as Joker came just a little. 

Joker reached down to stroke his pale fingers through her hair, grinning as he watched the golden locks of hair slide between his pale fingers. She was so beautiful, his Harley. 

Harley grinned at him and wrapped her lips around him once more, sucking him deep into her mouth. Laying one hand against his thigh, her other hand was still wrapped around him as she pressed her lips down and moved her head up and down, varying the pressure of her lips, using her tongue to slide while she sucked until Joker groaned loudly and tugged on her hair. 

“Harley stop--stop!” 

Harley giggled looking up at him through her dark lashes. “What’s a matter puddin?” 

He grinned at her. “You are a bad girl.” 

Harley smiled with a sultry narrowing of her eyes at him and giggled again. “You like that about me.” 

He waggled his eyebrows at her. “Oh, I do like that about you. Now, come here and sit on Daddy’s lap and be bad.” 

Harley giggled happily as she stood up and climbed onto his lap, straddling him. She didn’t slide down on him yet. Instead she grabbed the back of the couch and leaned in, kissing him hard on the mouth. 

Joker moaned in pleasure, wrapping his arms around her, the show and list forgotten now that he had Harley in his arms. He caressed her back, snaking his fingers along her spine while his focus was on the feel of her lips, the sweet caress of her tongue, and the teasing wet heat emanating from between her legs. He reached up to run a hand through the thick strands of her blonde hair and kissed her with fervor. 

Harley purred against his lips. “I love you.” 

Joker grinned. “I know.” 

She giggled and gave him a light smack against his shoulder. Joker responded by ducking his head and catching one of her breasts in his mouth. Harley arched with a gasp, her fingers sliding into his hair and cradling his head to her breast. 

Joker ran his tongue over her nipple, circling the sensitive pink flesh slowly before he flicked her with the tip of his tongue. Harley hissed in response. He slid his hands down her back, grabbing her rear with both hands and squeezed at the same time while sucking her nipple in between his lips. He sucked gently, playing with her nipple, not just with his tongue, but stopping to rub his red lips over her nipple. He smiled each time she moaned or gasped while massaging her rear with his hands, spreading his fingers and pulling her close to move one of his hands lower, sliding a finger into her. 

Harley groaned, rubbed herself against him, feeling his erection between them and pressing against her. She adjusted her hips so she could press her clitoris against his erection and rub while he played with her breasts. She caressed his hair, grabbing fistsful of his green locks each time he sucked on her nipple, groaning with need as a deep burning tickle began to build, spreading from her breasts to her groin where it burned, hot and throbbing. She gasped when he penetrated her with his finger, her entire body shuddered at the feel of him sliding part of himself inside her. When he started to fuck her with his finger, Harley squirmed, then rubbed herself harder against him. 

Joker smiled switching breasts, his groan muffled against her skin as he felt the wet slickness of her rubbing against him. She felt so good, so hot, wet. He pressed her closer, pushing her up and down, encouraging her to rub against him while his long middle finger moved inside her. He wanted to feel her orgasm, wanted to hear her excitement. When Harley started to press harder against him, moving faster, he grinned and flicked her nipple with the tip of his tongue. All his senses were surrounded by her, the scent of her skin, her touch, her heat, the taste of his Harley. Joker closed his eyes, continuing to circle her nipple with his tongue and grinned as he felt the buildup of her excitement. 

Harley groaned louder, her fingers digging into Joker’s hair as she moved quicker, her climax building with each flick of his tongue, with each smooth pass of his erection against her clitoris, each thrust of his finger. She gasped as the bubble broke, warmth and tension snapping loose as her orgasm snapped inside her body, breaking her for a moment. She held on tightly to his hair, her body going tight, then falling apart in the next instead as the warm ripple washed over her, encompassed her. 

Joker groaned and hissed against her breast. “Yes, oh yes, Harley.” 

He grinned as he felt her climax, the flush of wetness over his finger, the slick stickiness against his erection. He pulled his finger from her and grabbed her waist to lift her up. Harley reached down between them, wrapping her hand around his erection to hold him steady as she slid down on him. She pressed her teeth to her bottom lip as he penetrated her, sliding deep into her until she wanted jerk and vibrate with pleasure. He felt so good inside her, as if he was always meant to be there, to be part of her. She adjusted herself, taking him a little deeper, as she spread her legs on the couch a little wider, her knees pressed up against the back of the couch. She wrapped an arm around him, caressing his face with the tip of her fingers from her other hand. Harley ran her fingers over his red lips, gazing into his eyes. She didn’t move, held still, waiting until he was ready. Harley pulled his bottom lip down then kissed his lips softly. She brushed her lips against the side of his mouth, then each eye, followed by another kiss to the tip of his nose, ran her hands over his chest, caressing the smooth ghost white skin before she whispered. “Puddin.” 

Joker groaned, his eyes rolling for a moment as Harley settled down on him. He didn’t dare move yet. He simply held onto Harley letting her adjust herself until she was comfortable, each movement she made was agonizingly pleasurable. The way her body tightened around him, held on to his erection once he was inside her, sent shudders up his spine followed by bursts of intense heat in his groin along with a pulling sensation, as if Harley was trying to pull something from him, something vital. He wanted her, wanted everything about her. When she kissed his face, he smiled enjoying the feel of her lips. When she whispered “Puddin,” Joker moaned in response. 

“My girl. My Harley.” He smiled and cupped her cheek, guiding her mouth to his and kissed her, slow and deep, his tongue exploring the inviting depths of her mouth. 

Harley licked his tongue, caught his bottom lip with her teeth gently, and rocked her body back and forth, rolled her hips against him, squeezing and thrusting. 

Joker hissed, one hand sliding up her torso to caress her breast, his long pale fingers sliding over her soft skin, over her nipple. His other arm was wrapped tight around her, his hand sliding down to grasp her rear. He licked her chin, reached around to grasp her rear with both hands, squeezing just hard enough to hold her firmly, though he didn’t direct her movements--Joker wanted Harley to do whatever she wanted. He just wanted to enjoy the ride with her. 

He caressed her tongue, sliding his tongue along her lips before plunging his tongue back into her mouth. Harley moaned and reached up to caress his cheek while raising up on her knees, pulling along his length before thrusting herself back down on him, prompting Joker to thrust his hips up to meet her. 

They continued to kiss while Harley rode him, pressing him down into the couch cushions, grinding down, then coming up almost off of him. Joker moaned with need. She felt her climax building in hot rushes of pleasure that seemed to fill every corner of her body, making every nerve ending vibrate. She stopped kissing him, needing her breath. Harley slipped her hands into his hair, her forehead pressed against his, and stared into his eyes. She let herself fall into their vivid blue depths as she rode her building climax, pressing higher and higher until she came with a low, breathy moan. 

Harley’s body tightened around Joker until he groaned, thrusting up as he came with a hot flash that made him screw his eyes closed, his body vibrating and melting in conflict with itself as his orgasm weakened him. 

Harley continued to move for a few more seconds, as if she couldn’t quite bring herself to stop, her body working to draw out her pleasure while the rest of her was ready to curl up in a warm glow. Joker made little hisses and grunts with each of her slowing movements, little tremors running through his body until Harley finally collapsed against him. He wrapped his arms tight around her and held her close, nuzzing his nose and lips against her shoulder. He kissed her throat and down her shoulder, then back up to her ear. Harley giggled at the ticklish touch, snuggling closer, kissing his collar. They were both quiet, letting their breath return to normal while enjoying the feel of their bodies connected, their shared pleasure in holding them together. 

After a bit Harley murmured. “We should get some sleep. We have to be up far earlier than usual.” 

Joker murmured in a mildly grumpy tone, “I suppose.” 

Harley giggled sitting back to look at him, her hands on his shoulders. “It’ll be fun tomorrow, just you wait.” 

Joker wrinkled her nose at her. “I suppose. It would be more fun if I could bring the exploding balls.” 

Harley laughed. “I agree, but we promised Riddler no exploding balls.” 

Joker grinned mischievously. “But we didn’t promise no gas balls, now did we…” 

Harley bit her bottom lip on a giggle. “No we didn’t.” 

They both started giggled together like a couple of naughty children. 

* 

Dusk had settled over Gotham, the sky was the color of twilight, a deep, dark blue with the stars just slowly beginning to wink into existence in the night sky. Hints of orange still lingered in the western sky as the sun had already disappeared over the horizon. The lights were still on at the Gotham City Baseball stadium, though no game was scheduled tonight. Most people who saw the lights simply assumed the team was practicing or that there was some sort of maintenance going on; no one thought to look into the lights further than that. 

Several people were out on the field (the janitorial staff as well as the stadium guards were all gagged and nicely bundled up in a storage closet together. It was a little tight, making it impossible for any of them to move, and the air was stale, but they would most likely live until someone found them in the morning. At least that was the working theory according to Bob and Joker.) Joker came strolling out onto the field, dressed in a purple and green baseball uniform, the name JOKER printed across his shoulders with the number 01 on his back, while on the front was the number 08 under the team name. Gotham Chucklers was emblazoned in purple letters across his chest. Even his baseball shoes were purple with green socks and a purple and green trimmed baseball cap on his green-haired head. The only other color he had on was the orange flower pinned to his chest. He had a baseball bat resting over his shoulder and was chewing a large wad of bubble gum like he had chewing tobacco in his cheeks, occasionally blowing bubbles as he walked onto the field.

Next to Joker walked Harley, prancing more than walking, dressed in her own baseball uniform. Unlike Joker’s uniform, Harley’s was a 1940’s style women’s baseball uniform which was more of a shirt dress with a collar, although with an extremely short skirt that showed off the little red panties with ruffles she was wearing underneath. The front of the dress had buttons running down the left side of her left breast with the team name in a circle on her chest. Her own name was blazoned across her shoulders with the number 01 underneath. Unlike Joker, Harley was in her favored colors of red and black, half the dress red, the other half black with black diamonds on her left shoulder and red ones on her right shoulder. She had on one red sock and one black, with similarly colored tennis shoes, one black and one red. Harley had even styled her hair with 1940’s style bangs, but with her blonde hair pulled into low pigtails that curled against her shoulders under her red and black baseball cap. The curls bounced when she walked. She strode beside Joker, chewing bubblegum and popping bubbles as well, a baseball bat on her shoulder. 

Behind them came their team, all dressed in uniforms of purple and green to match the Joker's with their names on the back, along with random player numbers. Bob, in his own baseball outfit of green and purple with a red and black tutu and a matching red and black ballcap, came following behind with a bright smile carrying several large duffle bags in his large arms, (far more bags than anyone should be able to carry by themselves) that were bulging at the seams. One clearly had several bats in it since the handles were sticking out of the bag (several of them were old bats of Harley’s), while the contents in the rest of the bags remained a mystery. On Bob’s left was Frost in his regular suit, and on Bob’s right was Archie, dressed in his own purple and green baseball uniform, but with a green clown ruffle around his neck, a little purple pom pom on top of his ball cap. His face was painted in his blue and white clown makeup. He walked slowly, a cigar sticking out from between his lips, smoke slowly circling upward as he walked by Bob with a depressed expression on his face. 

Last, walking behind them all with her arms crossed over her chest was Ivy, though not in a uniform. She only wore a few leaves in place to retain her modesty and nothing else. She looked amused as she walked onto the field. 

Joker walked out onto the middle of the field just as the others who had come to play began to filter out onto the field There was Riddler, dressed in a green and black baseball uniform with Quelle walking beside him, in a matching uniform, along with a few of his own hench people, all in green with black question marks on their uniforms. Next came Penguin with Lark (neither of them dressed in uniforms.) Penguin was in his usual tux and top hat while Lark was dressed in a pair of black shorts and a black turtleneck, followed by a few of his men dressed in black slacks and black turtlenecks with Penguin’s Birds written in white letters on their chests. 

Croc, Bane (with his mask on) and Crane (also masked) wandered out alone (not in any uniforms except their regular clothing) along with a woman dressed in black and red, her arm hooked around Crane’s possessively. And last came Catwoman, also dressed in her regular black bodysuit, goggles and cat ears. 

Joker grinned, stopping at the pitcher’s mound waiting for everyone to gather around him and Harley. 

Catwoman frowned, looking around at Joker and Riddler in their uniforms. “What exactly is going on? I thought this was supposed to be some sort of job?” 

“Well, Catwoman…” Joker smiled. “The last time that Harley and I were in Metropolis, we had a run in with Lex while we were there. One thing led to another and I bet a million dollars that we…” 

He made a circular motion to encompass everyone. “...could beat anyone in Metropolis at baseball.” 

Catwoman blinked in confusion, then muttered. “What?” 

Joker pouted. “What? A million dollar bet that we could beat any of the Metropolis villains at a baseball game. It’s not really that hard to understand.” 

Catwoman glanced over at Harley, then Ivy, lifting a brow. Ivy shrugged at her. “I'm here to watch.” 

Harley pouted at Ivy. “I thought you were going to be the cheerleader?” 

“Baseball doesn’t have cheerleaders,” Ivy said with a smirk. 

Selina sighed bringing the conversation back around to what she needed to know. “The bet?” 

Harley grinned at Selina. “It’s true about the bet. Though I don’t remember how he got onto the topic of baseball…” She pursed her lips and tapped her chin. “It’s all a little fuzzy because I think we were drinking…” She looked at Joker. “Didn’t we break into Lex’s office?” 

Joker frowned. “You know my dear, I don’t recall.” He waved a hand in dismissal. “The details don’t matter kitty. The point is that next Sunday the lot of us are going to Metropolis to play against their villain team for money.” 

“You don’t really expect Lex to play fair do you?” Catwoman asked with a sigh. 

Joker snorted. “Of course not, but who said we had to either? Anyway, we are here to practice!” He glared at Catwoman. “If some of us will shut it!” Catwoman sighed. “Look, am I going to get paid?” 

“If we win.” Harley nodded. “Yeah…” 

Catwoman rolled her eyes. “I don’t play with ifs. I’m outta here.” 

Harley frowned, then called out. “Selina, that Prankster guy is going to be playing…” She ignored Joker who growled next to her. He hated the Prankster more than Harley had seen him hate anyone. She couldn't blame him; the Prankster was sort of stealing her puddin’s schtick. Harley didn’t really see it. She saw the Prankster as some wannabe jerk who acted like an idiot and had the most annoying voice she had ever heard, but he rubbed her puddin the wrong way. So she hated him with a passion too. She hoped that Mistah J got to hit the guy with a baseball in the face. It would make Joker so happy. 

Selina turned around, her eyes narrowed behind her goggles. “Prankster?” 

Harley nodded. “Yep. I remember you telling me about that time you were in Metropolis for the gold and emerald statue of Bast, but he got there too and not only didn’t you get it, but he tripped the alarms...so nobody got the statue.” 

Selina snarled. “I hate that man.” 

Harley smiled. “Well, here’s your chance to get even with him.” 

Selina frowned. “I don’t know if a baseball game is enough to get even with him…” 

Harley smiled. “But you could hit him with a baseball.” 

Selina still didn’t look sure so Harley pouted. “Aw, come on Selina. How about you just be the announcer for our game here and then you can think about it, okay?” 

Selina sighed. “Fine, don’t pout at me. I guess I don’t have anything better to do.” 

Harley jumped up and down. “Yeah!!!” 

Joker sighed. “All right, can we get back to the game?” 

Harley giggled and kissed Joker on the cheek. “Sorry puddin--continue.” 

Joker opened his mouth, then stopped when he saw the woman on Crane’s arm. “Who’s the weirdo?” He pointed at the woman, who frowned in return. Crane--still wearing his mask--answered. “She’s a dear friend of mine, Black Widow.” 

Black Widow was a tall, slender woman with a thick shoulder length bob of black hair. She stepped forward and held her hand out to Joker. “You can call me Black.” 

Joker wrinkled his nose at her hand, taking a very obvious step backwards. “Whatever…why is it here?” Joker vaguely pointed in Black’s direction as he spoke to Crane. Black looked insulted as she stepped back beside Crane who leaned to whisper something in her ear while Joker threw his arms up into the air. “All right people, we are here to practice some baseball!! Now I want…” 

Riddler called out. “You didn’t bring any exploding balls did you?” 

Joker stopped, his mouth snapping closed as he turned his blue gaze on Riddler. He narrowed his eyes just slightly. “I said I wasn’t going to, now didn’t I?” 

Riddler narrowed his eyes right back. “Yeah, you did, but…” 

Joker inhaled very loudly and in a high-pitched tone with his hand going to his breast dramatically. “YOU WOUND ME SIR!! Doubting my word!! I said no exploding balls and no exploding balls it is!” 

Bane called out. “How many teams are we going to make to play here, only you and Riddler brought extra men.” 

Joker rolled his eyes. “Look, this is just for practice--it's not a serious game Bane. Just wanna see how well we know how to play so we can decide positions when we head to Metropolis.” 

“Well, I’m not playing,” Penguin groused. 

Joker pointed, again with dramatic flair. “If you’re not playing, then get off the field birdbrain. No playing, no money.” 

Penguin snorted. “One million dollars split between all of us isn’t that much money.” 

Joker wrinkled his nose, mocking Penguin moving his head side to side as he spoke in a sing song voice. “A million dollars isn’t that much money.” 

Harley answered. “Lex said there would be betting too…” 

Penguin perked up. “Gambling on the game…now I’m intrigued.” 

Joker grinned. “But if you don’t play, you don’t get any of the winnings birdy.” 

Lark, who had her arm wrapped around Penguin’s, smiled at her boss. “Aw come on Pengy, playing a game of baseball might be fun.” 

Penguin muttered. “I don’t like running around…” 

Lark cooed. “Aw come on.” She batted her eyes at him. 

Penguin sighed. “Fine, I’m in.” He smiled at Lark. “You can talk me into anything when you bat your lashes like that.” 

Lark laughed, leaning against Penguin. 

Joker rolled his eyes so hard that Harley giggled, worrying he would hurt himself. As he rolled his eyes, he stuck his finger in his mouth and made a gagging noise. When anyone else showed affection, it made Joker ill, but Harley knew she could cover him in kisses in front of everyone and he would laugh happily about it. 

Joker threw his hands over his head. “Okay people!! I’m pitching, Harley is catching. Riddler you and your team are up to bat and whoever wants to play on your side needs to go with you. The rest of you, on the field!! Bob put everyone in position! Everyone else--off the field!! OFF!!” 

Riddler yelled back. “Now wait a goddamn minute. Who’s the umpire!” 

Joker sighed. “Fine, Frost can be umpire.” 

Riddler shook his head. “Frost is your man. I don’t think…” 

“All right.” Joker tapped a finger to his temple as he thought for a moment. “Kitty Cat, you wanna be umpire instead of announcer?” 

Selina shrugged. “Fine.” 

Joker smirked at Riddler. “Is that fine with you Eddie? Catwoman and Frost can umpire together.” 

Riddler frowned, but reluctantly muttered. “Fine.” 

There was a great deal of muttering, but everyone scattered. 

Bob deposited his bags in the dugout for Joker’s team (with Croc and Bane joining his side while Penguin and Crane joined Riddler’s.) Ivy walked over to the dugout for Joker’s team and took a seat on the bench, stretching her legs out (ignoring the appreciative glances she received from both the male and female members of Joker’s team), while Bob set his many bags down, opened them up, and distributed equipment. 

Harley hurried over to the bags that Bob had brought. Bob was standing off to the side handing out gloves. (Riddler had brought his own, but Penguin and the rest needed to be given gloves and baseball bats.) Harley searched around until she found what she was looking for. She already had her own bat, the rest of what she needed she found in Bob’s bags, her catcher’s glove, chest protection, and some knee guards. She carried everything into the dugout and flopped down next to Ivy before she began to suit up. 

“You sure you don’t wanna play Red? It’ll be fun.” Harley elbowed Ivy in the side. 

Ivy smirked. “I don’t know…” 

“Come on! Besides, you can’t tell me you wouldn’t wanna take some money from old Lex, especially after that building project of his took out that forest…” 

At the mention of the forest, Ivy’s eyes blazed, turning a bright green before she said softly. “You know...you’re right Harls…And making Lex lose at anything is a thorn in his side.” 

Harley giggled as the leaves that made up Ivy’s outfit shifted and changed until she wore something that almost resembled a baseball uniform. “I’m in.” 

Harley squealed and threw her arms around Ivy, kissing her on the cheek. “Yeah!!” 

Ivy smiled despite herself, hugging Harley in return. “Ugh, why do I let you talk me into things?” 

“Because you love me!” Harley laughed, giving Ivy one more kiss before she went back to putting on her knee guards. 

* 

Joker stood on the pitcher’s mound catching balls with the glove that Bob had thrown him while Frost tossed balls at him, when he saw Harley kiss Ivy on the cheek. He narrowed his eyes. Jealousy burned hot and fast through him, but just as quickly was gone when Harley came rushing out of the dugout and ran across the field to the pitcher's mound. She had her baseball cap on backwards, her catcher’s mask on top of her head. When she arrived at the mound she threw her arms around Joker’s neck, yanked him to her and kissed him on the mouth, causing him to miss the ball that Frost had thrown. Harley gave him a hot kiss, full of swirling tongue and passionate lips that drew a few wolf whistles from Riddler’s men. 

Joker smiled against her mouth, wrapping his arms around her and returning her kiss with the same amount of passion before Harley pulled away. 

She giggled. “That’s for luck.” 

Joker smirked. “Thank you sweets.” 

Harley smiled. “Just don’t hit Riddler in the face with the ball. We need him when we play against Lex’s team.” 

Joker made a sour look. “Fine.” 

Archie wandered by going out into the field. “Feel free to hit me in the face with a ball. I’m just gonna wait in the field and hope a ball kills me.” 

Harley and Joker watched Archie wander out onto the field. They both exchanged a look, then shared a giggle, Harley continuing like Archie hadn’t interrupted. “It’ll still be fun, we have our trick balls. He’ll hate it puddin.” 

Joker chuckled. “Yes he will.” 

Riddler had walked up to the batting position and was waiting. “You two gonna stop making out so we can play?” 

Joker wrinkled his nose before he gave Harley a kiss on the tip of her nose. “Okay, let’s play ball.” 

Harley smiled, stepped back, and pulled her catcher’s mask down as she turned to run back to her position. Joker smacked her on the ass as she turned, causing her to squeal happily as she ran to her position. The rest of the team ran out onto the field. Croc was on first base, Bane on second, Ivy was on third, Archie was shortstop, Bob was left field, two of the Joker's miscellaneous henchmen took up the last two positions in center and right field. 

Frost exchanged baseballs with Joker (the first ball of the game was a regular ball, there was no point in giving away the gag too soon) and they began to play. 

* 

Joker grinned holding his hands up in a ready position, the ball in his glove as he looked at Riddler, looked back at his players on the field, then back at Harley. Harley was squatted down behind Riddler giving her puddin a perfect view of her panties under her dress. Joker smirked, bit his bottom lip, and waggled his eyebrows at her. Harley giggled. Riddler looked disgusted. 

Riddler yelled. “Hey clown!! You gonna pitch or what? Or are you too busy, sissy boy?” 

Joker gasped. “Sissy boy? Shut up, ass licker!” 

“Corpse face!” Riddler yelled back. 

“Warthog faced buffoon!” Joker giggled. 

Riddler snarled. “Shitkicker dirt-eating slimeball!” 

“You son of a motherless goat!!!” Joker giggled. “You intellectually stunted cunt!” 

Riddler stood now with one hand on his hip, his face red. “You fucking eunuch!!” 

Joker yelled. “Pompous snot nose narrow-eyed fuckface twat!” 

Riddler hissed loudly. “You’re a little shit!” 

Joker snickered. “Oh Eddie, you poor insignificant meat-headed dickless square toed, pimple headed monkey fucker in need of a blowjob!” 

Everyone on both teams was laughing or snickering. Riddler opened his mouth to reply. but Harley yelled through her own laughter. “All right--are we gonna play ball or insult each other?? You guys want Lex to win?? Shut up and play ball!” 

(Penguin, sitting in the dugout with Lark smirked and whispered in her ear. "I would pay money just to listen to those two insult each other. Lark laughed.) 

Joker smirked while Riddler looked ready to spit fire, but he took up his position again. “Come on you stupid clown. Let’s see if you can throw a ball as well as you suck them!” 

Joker smirked, held the ball up, and examined it before slowly looking over at Eddie. Eddie frowned, then paled a little as the thought that maybe Joker had lied about the balls being safe occurred to him. He looked for a moment as if he wanted to walk off the field, but he heard continued snickers about the insult fight and the last thing Riddler wanted to do was look like a coward. He raised his bat, took a couple of experimental swings before he took up his position. 

Harley pressed her lips on a giggle at Eddie before he made a motion between her legs with her fingers; two fingers. Joker pursed his lips, then shook his head. Harley frowned, glancing at Riddler, then put down one finger. Joker grinned holding the ball ready, giving his girl a nod. 

Joker licked his lips and eyed Eddie. He could see Eddie was nervous now that the idea of a boobie trapped ball was back in play. He grinned and swung, the ball zipped through the air swiftly in a blur of motion. Instead of swinging at the ball, however, Riddler jumped out of the way. The fear that Joker might have rigged the ball made him skittish. Harley caught the ball and Harley yelled. 

“Strike one!” 

From her position a pace behind Harley, Catwoman lifted a brow and looked at Harley. “Isn’t that my job to say that?” 

Harley shot a grin back at Catwoman and turned back to face Joker. 

Riddler snarled rolling his shoulders and muttered, “Stupid clown.” 

Joker grinned holding his glove out to Harley. She threw the ball back and took up her position again, motioning for him to throw another fastball. Joker smirked and threw. 

This time Eddie swung, but missed. Harley yelled out behind him, “Strike two!” at the same time that Catwoman called out, “Strike!” 

Riddler snarled, rolling his shoulder, not paying attention when Harley reached into the top of her outfit, placed the baseball in her shirt and pulled out another ball, the stitching of which wasn’t red, but green. 

She grinned at Joker and tossed the ball out to Joker who caught it easily out of the air, careful not to let the rigged ball impact hard with his glove. 

Riddler held his bat ready, looking angrily at Joker. 

Harley motioned for another fastball. This time Eddie would be expecting it. Riddler didn't notice Harley moving back further. (Ivy noticed, frowning at her friend and glancing over to Bane who shrugged.) 

Joker pitched the fastball. This time Eddie hit the ball and it burst into a cloud of green smoke. Eddie yelled, his voice going high like a young girls. “YEAHHH!!!! FUCK!!!” 

Joker started to laugh, grabbing his sides. “Hahahahaha!!!” 

Eddie flung his arms around running out of the cloud of green smoke squealing. “FUCK FUCK!!! WHAT IS IT??!! WHAT IS IT???!!” 

Harley was laughing. “It’s itching powder!” 

“WHAT?!!” Riddler yelled, and as if on cue he began to scratch himself, dancing in a circle as the powder took effect. Riddler turned to glare at Joker. “You’re a douchebag!!” 

Joker had fallen to the ground, laughing as he watched Eddie dancing around. “HOooHaha!!” 

Penguin smirked before he yelled out. “How many balls like that do you have?” 

Joker pushed himself up to a sitting position. “I don’t know!! I have itching powder ones, laughing gas…” 

Harley added loudly. “Nonlethal for us!” 

Joker rolled his eyes. “Yes yes, nonlethal, I have some laughing balls that actually laugh when you hit them and I have ones that explodes into stink bombs!!” 

Ridder yelled. “That’s cheating!!” 

Joker laughed. “Yeah! Did you think we were going to beat Luthor’s team the honest way? Who do you think we are Eddie? Baseball players??!!”


	2. At Bat

The lights of the stadium were blazed brightly down on the equally bright green field. Everything about the stadium was too bright. Standing in the shadow of the doorway that led out onto the field, dressed in a purple and green baseball uniform, Joker glared at the field as he pushed his round, purple lense sunglasses up his long, pale nose with a frown on his red lips. 

“God, I hate Metropolis,” he muttered with a deep loathing in his voice. “Why does everything have to be so bright?” He made a dramatic gagging noise. “And the air? Too clean. This can’t be healthy for any Gothamite.” 

“I hate it too puddin,” Harley agreed with a scowl. She leaned on his shoulder, her hands folded and her chin resting on top of her folded hands. She was dressed in her more feminine 1940’s women’s baseball uniform with the little short skirt, except this time she wore purple ruffled panties underneath the skirt, with green socks and purple baseball shoes. The only red and black she wore was a baseball cap with red and black diamonds on it and her ponytail sticking out of the back loop. Harley looked around the stadium field with her hand up to shield her eyes. Even at night, Metropolis looked too bright and the air too...clean. She made a face and shuddered. 

“Why would anyone want to live here?” she wondered aloud. 

Joker nodded his agreement. “Why would they?” 

“People are weird,” Harley muttered. 

Behind them Riddler groused. “Are you guys going to move out onto the green or are we all just gonna stand here?? Because looking at your backsides all night is not my idea of fun. The bus ride here was bad enough.” 

Joker muttered under his breath in a mocking voice while crossing his eyes. “Are you guys going to move out onto the green or are we all just gonna stand here??” 

Riddler hissed. “I heard that you clown.” 

“I heard that you clown,” Joker said louder so that everyone could hear. 

Harley gave him a light pinch on his hip along with a giggle. “Puddin, stop it.” 

Wrinkling his nose at her Joker grinned before looking over his shoulder at Riddler. “Do you have an award for whining because you’re very good at it. You should give yourself one of those Riddler trophies you’re so fond of.” 

Riddler opened his mouth to respond, but Quelle, who had her lips pressed together on a laugh, stopped him, but kissed his cheek. “Just ignore him honey.” 

Behind Riddler and Quelle, Bane chuckled while elbowing Croc. Both men wore baseball uniforms that stretched the fabric to impossible and dangerous lengths. “Joker does a pretty good impression of Riddler.” 

Croc grinned showing off rows of sharp teeth, but said nothing. 

Riddler opened his mouth to complain again when they all heard the booming voice of Lex Luthor echoing across the field. 

“Joker!! Harley Quinn!! Hello. Nice of you all to come.” 

Joker and Harley watched Lex strolling across the field. He was dressed in a pristine baseball uniform with white and blue knee pants, jersey, socks, gloves, and he even had a white and blue baseball cap on his bald head, which both Joker and Harley found uncomfortable and strange looking. Behind him, dressed in a matching uniform was Mercy, her long blonde hair pulled through the loop in the back of her cap and hanging down in a thick braid. Behind Mercy came the rest of Lex’s team, all dressed in the same white and blue uniforms. Even Gorilla Grodd wore a baseball cap along with an ill-fitting jersey. 

Harley hissed at Joker’s ear, her eyes taking in Lex and Grodd. “Now I’ve seen everything.” 

Joker giggled. “Lex looks a bit like a walking white dildo in that outfit with the cap.” 

“In all fairness puddin, he looks like a dildo most of the time,” Harley whispered. Joker broke out into a fit of giggles before taking her hand and heading out onto the field to meet Luthor while adding with a grin, “You think that might be the name of the team? Metropolis Dildos?” 

Harley had to press her lips against his shoulder to stop herself from bursting out into a fit of laughter, which only made Joker smile more. 

Strolling out onto the field Joker yelled. “Nice place you got here!” 

Lex smiled. “Yes, the Metropolis stadium is quite nice. It’s always amazing what a little bit of money can do.” 

Joker came to a stop with Harley beside him. He gave Lex a frown. “Hey Lexie, I thought we said no metahuman powers in the game?” Joker looked significantly at five members of Lex’s team, Giganta, Dr. Light, Cheetah, Silver Banshee, and Grodd as he and Harley, along with the rest of their team (and a few tagalongs such as Ecco, the Black Widow, Ivy, and Selina who were not playing) walked out onto the field. All of them except Ivy and Selina were wearing the green and purple baseball uniforms. 

Lex stopped in the middle of the field to rest his hands on his hips, his television smile on his lips. 

“We agreed no one would use their meta powers, not that I wouldn’t have anyone with metapowers on my team, and Grodd doesn’t count as being metahuman since he is, in fact, not human.” 

Lex looked smug. 

Grodd chuckled. “My superior intelligence notwithstanding.” 

Joker narrowed his eyes. “The powers ban applies to anyone playing with powers, even the animals.” 

Harley giggled and added. “Or their pets.” 

Grodd growled making a move forward, but Lex smiled and held up a hand to stop the large gorilla. “Agreed--no powers at all. That goes for your side as well Joker.” Lex glanced significantly at Bane. 

Bane smiled behind his mask. “I do not have a metapower Luthor.” 

Joker grinned. “No, he doesn’t.” 

Lex frowned then shrugged. “Fine, Bane balances out Grodd.” 

Croc muttered. “Gee thanks, I guess I’m not a threat.” But no one heard him or responded. 

Joker put his hand out, wiggling his gloved fingers. “No powers on either team, just a good old fashioned game of baseball, agreed?” 

Lex took Joker’s hand. “With no exploding balls or bats and no guns.” 

Joker gasped as he put his free hand to his chest, looking insulted. “You wound me sir!” 

“I know you. No exploding equipment.” Lex narrowed his eyes at the clown. 

Joker’s smile was slow and sly. “I promise, nothing; not a thing that is explosive and no guns.” 

For a moment Lex stared at him. He knew he was missing something as Joker blinked at him with a fake big innocent look, but then Joker shook his hand forcibly before he stepped away and clapped his hands together. 

“All right children. Let’s play some ball!!!” Joker called out grinning from ear to ear. 

Lex motioned at Mercy who walked over with a coin to stand between Joker and Lex. “Heads or tails?” 

Joker motioned at Harley who stepped forward and put her hand out for the coin. 

“Sorry Lex, gotta let my right hand woman inspect the coin first.” Joker smiled apologetically, though the sentiment didn’t reach his eyes. 

Lex smiled, keeping the annoyance he felt from sliding into his voice. “Of course.” 

Mercy smiled at Harley as she handed the clown the coin. “Hey Harley, how’s married life treating you?” 

“Hi Mercy! How are you doing? Oh, and being married is great!!” Harley took the coin and slowly inspected the shiny silver piece while they talked. “You and Lex been having fun?” 

“I’m doing good. Lex and I are going on a little vacation next month to his private island.” Mercy grinned while she watched Harley inspect the coin. It wasn't that she didn’t trust Harley, but she didn't trust Harley...at least not completely. She trusted her as a friend, heck she would trust Harley with her life, but she knew her friend well enough to know that Harley would cheat at a game to win, especially if she was playing with her lover the Joker. 

“Ooh, private island. How fancy!” Harley held the coin up in the air, her eyes narrowed as she turned it one way, then another before she handed the coin back to Mercy. “So how did Lex get this whole stadium for us without the big blue and red boy scout flying down here to stop us?” Harley asked. “Oh, and heads.” 

Mercy smirked, tossing the coin before catching it. “Heads it is!” She smiled then answered Harley’s question. “Money can do a lot of things, plus Superman isn't going to show up because there are no civilians here, no one innocent...” she used air quotes. “...is going to get hurt.” 

“Oh.” Harley frowned. “I was kinda hoping we'd get to see him.” 

Joker who was bobbing to a song only he could hear stopped and frowned at Harley looking hurt. “What?” 

Harley only giggled at him. “Don’t worry puddin, I only have eyes for you.” 

“Damn straight, you better not be eyeing any flying boy scouts.” He pouted at her. “I might have to give him a kryptonite enema.” 

Mercy turned and waved at the other members of Joker and Harley’s team. “Hey Lark, Quelle, Ivy. You’re here Selina? That's a surprise. You don't seem like the team player sort...Of course neither do Harley and Joker.” 

Joker chuckled winking at Harley. “Too true.” 

Selina waved at Mercy, smiling. She was dressed in her regular “working” outfit of a form fitting black catsuit. She didn’t have her hair covered, but she did have on a cat ears headband (which 

Harley loved, so cute!) “I’ve been hired to play announcer.” 

Lex frowned slightly. “An announcer?” 

Selina shrugged. “It’s the clown's idea.” 

Joker and Harley waved as if Lex might have forgotten they were there. 

Lex glanced at the two clowns with a lift of one eyebrow. He wanted to protest, but didn’t see a reason to do so, so he said nothing. Instead, he simply shrugged. 

Ivy stepped forward. She wore no clothing, except for some well-placed leaves and some vines that were wrapped around her arms and legs,with a few pink flowers blooming along them was the only “clothing” she was wearing. The eyes of all the males and some of the women were drawn to her, though Joker paid no attention and Harley only paid attention because Ivy was her best friend. 

“And I’ll be playing umpire since I have no interest in playing,” Ivy said with a smile as one of the flowers on her arm vine nuzzled her like a cat. She smiled and stroked her fingers along it's bright pink petals. (Harley whispered to Joker. “That always creeps me out.” 

Joker snickered. “I wonder if it's house broken?”) 

Lex's expression remained neutral. Either he was unaffected by Ivy or his affections for Mercy were that strong. He gave the redhead a curt nod. “That's fine. We brought our own umpire as well.” 

He motioned and Noah Kuttler, or as the villains of both Gotham and Metropolis knew him, Calculator, stepped forward. All of them had dealt with Noah at some point since he played the same role as Oracle did for the heroes. Information was his superpower. 

Noah, a slender man with a large nose, shaggy, badly cut brown hair with large glasses, and a disarming smile, gave everyone a short wave. “Hello.” 

“Calculator will be an additional umpire, just to make sure everything is done fairly,” Lex offered with a smile. 

Joker made a face. “Ugh, fair? How...boring. Are we going to have any fun during this game?” 

Lex smiled. “Cheating is fine Joker, as long as you don't get caught. If you get caught, well then, you deserve to lose whatever point you had earned, don't you think?” 

Joker and Harley exchanged a look followed by them both laughing. 

Joker grabbed Lex on the shoulder, giving him a friendly squeeze. “And that is why I like you Lex.” Joker let him go and turned around to face his team. “All right everyone, let's play some ball--and try not to get caught cheating!” 

Harley giggled and grabbed Joker's arm as they walked off the field. “We won’t get caught puddin,” she whispered. 

Joker laughed. “Of course not sweets!” 

Lex watched them go with a slight frown creasing his brow. “I feel like I’ve missed something.” 

Mercy chuckled. “This is gonna be fun.” 

“I don't do fun,” Lex said as he turned and led his team off the field. 

Mercy laughed at him. “Oh now I know that isn't true at all Lex--we’ve done lots of fun things.” 

Lex smirked, but said nothing. 

* 

Selina's voice rang out across the field. “Tonight we have The Gotham Chucklers versus The Luthor Legionnaries!” 

Inside the dugout Joker groaned. “That's the name he picked? Legionnaries?” He frowned then chuckled, looking at Harley. “Legionnaires, trojans...” 

Harley snickered. “He is a dildo!” 

Riddler sighed from where he sat on the bench rolling his eyes. “You two are so juvenile.” 

Joker made a face at him and repeated in Riddler's voice. “You two are so juvenile.” 

Riddler started to stand up, but Crane put a hand on his shoulder. “Eddie, you're just encouraging him.” 

“I don't know why I agreed to this,” he muttered, but Quelle on his other side smiled and brushed a lock of his red hair behind his ear. “Because we could use the money,” she said. 

Riddler sighed. “True.” 

Croc stretched his arms out in front of him, his fingers laced together as he cracked his knuckles. “We could all use the money. A million dollars divided between us isn’t much, but it’s better than the nothing I have right now.” 

“What on earth do you need money for?” Riddler asked. 

Croc grinned. “I like to go out to eat.” 

Riddler frowned, then shrugged. “You know, I don’t want to know.” 

* 

“First up to bat for the Gotham Chucklers is the Clown Prince of Crime, the Jester of Genocide, the husband of Harley Quinn...the Joker!” Selina’s voice rang out over the field. 

In the stands, Frost, Ecco, Quelle, Lark, and Black Widow cheered. 

Joker walked onto the field and swung his bat a few times before he rested it on his shoulders. Behind him Dr Light crouched in the catcher's position. “Hey Joker.” 

Joker wrinkled his nose. “Dr. Light, are you really a doctor?” 

Dr. Light grinned. “Yes I am, I have a degree in physics.” 

“Physics eh? So you study a bunch of stuff you can’t actually prove right?” Joker swung his bat a few times as he looked out over the field. 

Dr. Light narrowed his eyes. “That’s a simplistic view…” 

“So what’s with that growth on your chin?” Joker asked, lifting a green brow as he stepped back from the batter’s box and looked at Dr. Light. “You trying to be cool for the kids or are you like going all in on the evil Snidely Whiplash sorta look?” 

Dr. Light frowned. “Now see here…” 

“Hey, more power to you. I mean, when you have a lame ability like...light…” Joker chuckled. “Not exactly a power that screams evil.” 

“Now wait a minute, it's a lot more than just that…” Dr. Light began, but Joker cut him off. 

“You are so funny,” Joker added. “All right…” He swung his bat again and stepped up to the plate, grinning at Lex who was on the pitch plate. “Let’s see what you got baldy,” the clown called out while making a show of wiggling his hips and swinging the bat around. 

Harley yelled from the dugout. “WOOHOO!! LOOK AT THOSE HIPS!! Hit me baby!!!” 

Joker looked over at her and winked, wiggling his hips back and forth like Elvis Presley. “You like that sweets?” 

“Damn right I like that!” Harley called out followed by a wolf whistle and yelled. “Shake it baby!!” 

Riddler yelled out. “Will you two shut up!!” 

Joker and Harley both gave Riddler the finger at the same time. Joker blew Harley a kiss which she made a show of catching before he turned his attention back to Lex. 

“Come on Dr. No! Show me whatcha got!” Joker called out with a grin. 

Lex narrowed his eyes, holding the ball to the glove. On first base was Mercy, second base had Prankster, the shortstop was Cheetah and at third base was Grodd. He looked toward his catcher, 

Dr. Light who signaled him to throw a fastball. Lex frowned for a moment before he accepted the suggestion. With a skill that was surprising for a man who spent his life in a suit, Lex wound up and threw the ball. 

With equal surprise, Joker hit the ball, his entire body swinging with the bat in a graceful movement as he sent the ball with a loud crack, flying into the field where Giganta, Toymaker and Banshee all ran for the ball at the same time, none of them thinking to call that they were going after the ball. Lex turned to see his players in the field. He watched with a defeated expression as Giganta, Toymaker and Banshee ran into one another in an almost comical Three Stooges sort of way. Toymaker, a small, auburned headed man with over large glasses and being the shorter of the three was knocked on his ass, bouncing off his teammate like a ball when he ran into the extremely tall and well built red-headed Giganta--who was the tallest woman on either team, even in her non-giant form, taller than Mercy who was fairly tall herself. Banshee was of average height and slender; the silver-haired woman’s face looked as if a skull was painted on her skin (though that was just how she looked.) Banshee was so focused on the ball that she ran into Giganta’s other side and bounced off Giganta as well, stumbling backwards and tripping over her feet before they went out from under her and she landed on her rear. 

Selina cried. “And the Banshee is going down!” 

When her two teammates hit Giganta, they jostled her enough that she missed catching the fly ball. Instead the ball hit the tip of her glove, flew up into the air where it seemed to hover for a moment before the ball came crashing down to slam into Giganta’s nose. 

The large woman screamed in anger. 

Selina yelled. “And the Giant gets a nose job!” 

Harley was on her feet screaming while she jumped up and down like a demented jack-in-the-box with her arms in the air. “GO PUDDIN!!!! GO!! I LOVE YOU!! YOU’RE The GREATEST!” 

Over the loud speaker Selina cried. “And he’s taking first!” 

Joker waved at her as he ran to the base, stopping on the plate to give Mercy a big grin. He refrained from trying to take second as Giganta snatched the ball up and threw it to Prankster. 

Mercy shook her head. “Good hit.” 

Joker bowed. “I am a man of many talents, just ask Harley.” He chuckled. 

* 

Riddler frowned. “Damn, he can hit. I figured the Joker would...I don’t know...bunt it or something.” 

Harley turned to glare at Eddie. “My puddin is great at everything.” 

The Penguin chuckled. “And that is why I bet money on our team.” 

Riddler turned to stare at him. “We can bet money?” 

Penguin laughed and gave Riddler an amused expression. “Of course we can. Why would you assume we couldn’t?” 

Riddler grumbled. “God damn it. Why am I always the last to know?” 

* 

Joker grinned wiggling his hips at first base as he took a step away from the base towards second. “Woohoo Lexie!! Ya gotta pitch better than that!” 

Lex narrowed his eyes and ignored Joker as he turned to the next at bat, Riddler. The grin that spread across Lex’s face was smug. Joker glanced over to see Riddler and groaned loudly. 

Mercy chuckled. “Maybe he’ll surprise you?” 

“The day Eddie Nygma surprises me is the day I turn in my rubber nose.” 

“You have a rubber nose?” Mercy asked with a frown. 

“No, no I don’t,” Joker muttered then yelled loudly. “Don’t fuck it up Eddie!!” 

Riddler took up a batting stance, his eyes narrowed as he gave Joker the finger before putting both hands back on the bat. 

Selina’s voice rang out. “And the man known for his mind tricks takes the field! Can he riddle his way into a winning hit?” 

In the dugout Harley leaned forward on her bench, resting her elbows on her knees. “Can he bat?” Harley asked Crane who sat next to her and shrugged.”In my experience, Eddie being a physical threat is not one of his...specialities.” 

Harley wrinkled her nose and muttered. “Damn it. Shoulda found a pinch hitter.” 

* 

Ridder narrowed his eyes, watching Lex. Behind him Dr. Light signaled Lex to throw a curveball. Lex grinned and, winding up, he threw the ball. Eddie swung, missing the ball by a mile. 

“Oh come on Eddie!!” Joker yelled. “Hit the ball, don’t look at it pass by!” 

Eddie snarled. “Shut up and let me concentrate!” 

Joker mimicked Eddie, but only for Mercy’s hearing. “Shut up and let me concentrate.” 

Mercy smirked. 

Eddie missed the next two pitches. 

On the speaker Catwoman yelled. “Riddler makes a poor showing at the bat this evening folks, confirming what we all knew--he was shooting blanks.” 

“Fuck you Selina!” Eddie yelled, throwing his bat down as he walked off the field. 

Next came Crane who, surprisingly, hit the ball and made it to first base with Joker taking second. Next came Penguin, who bunted the ball, the surprise was enough to get Joker on third, Crane on second and Penguin on first. 

Harley strolled up to the bat next, shaking her hips back and forth handling her bat like a baton. 

Joker wolf-whistled, then yelled. “Come on cupcake!! Bring daddy home!!” 

Selina chuckled. “Up next to bat is the Joker’s partner in crime, his harlequin of hate, and his wife...Harley Quinn!!” 

Harley blew Joker a kiss before she turned her attention to Lex. Lex smiled at her, flexing his fingers before let loose with a fastball. Harley missed the first one, stepping back from the plate. 

Riddler yelled. “Oh come on!!” 

Bane who was next up laughed. “She’s making Lex think she’s weak.” 

Riddler turned to look at him. “What?” 

“She is making Lex think that she is scared of the ball, then she will hit it hard and surprise the bald man.” Bane grinned behind his mask. “She is very good at making others think she is weak or stupid.” 

Croc beside him nodded. “She is. Lex doesn’t have as much respect for her as he does Joker. He always underestimates Harley, thinks of her only as Joker’s girlfriend and sidekick, never takes her seriously as a threat, which makes her dangerous.” 

Eddie frowned watching as Harly squeaked and jumped out of the way of Lex’s next pitch, this time really watching her. When she came up to the plate for her last swing, he detected a very subtle change in her stance. Even the way she held the bat was a little different. 

Bane leaned close. “See, Harley plays with bats all the time, they are one of her chosen weapons…” 

Riddle frowned then whispered. “She knows exactly what she’s doing, doesn’t she?” 

Bane nodded. “Yes she does.” 

* 

On the field Grodd chuckled. “Having your mate bat seems to have been a bad idea Joker.” 

Joker smiled. “Having Harley around is never a bad idea. She’s my muse, my inspiration, my sexy minx.” 

“Your team will lose...” Grodd chuckled. “...and part of that blame will lay with your mate. Is it true you married her?” 

“It’s true, she is my wife.” Joker beamed, pulling his glove off to show off his ring. As he slipped his glove back on, he tilted his head at Grodd. “You have a mate Grodd?” Joker asked before turning to look back at Harley with a smile as she wiggled her hips, making the pleats of her skirt bounce in a cute, seductive way that made little trindles of heat race to his groin. 

Grodd frowned. “I have yet to find a female worthy of being my mate. They are all inferior.” 

“So you’re not getting any gorilla nookie?” Joker asked, to which Grodd growled, but Joker shook his head. “That’s a real shame, though I suppose you could always invade Gotham, kidnap some blonde and climb Wayne Tower.” Joker nodded his head wisely. “Nookie is very important.” 

“I am no beast! I do not kidnap human women and climb buildings!” Grodd snarled. 

Joker laughed. “See, that might be part of the problem there monkey man. My girl likes a little beast in the sheets.” Joker waggled his green eyebrows at Grodd who snarled. “I do not want to hear about your sexual exploits!” 

“Why not? Our exploits are a lot of fun.” Joker chuckled. “Oh wait, are you a virgin monkey?” 

“I am neither a virgin, nor am I a monkey!” Grodd yelled, drawing Lex’s attention. 

“You two stop fighting!” 

Joker yelled. “We’re not fighting, we’re talking about sex!” 

“Shut up!” Grodd hissed. 

Joker chuckled. “Darling it’s fine that you’re a virgin. We just gotta find you the right lady to pop that monkey cherry!” 

Grodd snarled, flexing his large hands. “I will wring your neck from your shoulders!” 

That was the moment Harley hit the third pitch. 

She swung with enough strength that the sharp crack of the ball hitting the bat echoed through the stadium and her ball went flying over everyone’s head and into the stands over the left field wall. 

Selina yelled into the microphone. “AND IT'S A HOME RUN!!” 

Joker laughed and waved at Grodd. “See ya monkey boy!!” 

He took off jogging for home leaving Grodd looking at his back, while Crane and Penguin followed, running the bases quickly (Oswald moving surprisingly fast for a man of his girth), Harley ran the bases slowly, making a spectacle of her run, dancing at each base before she headed to the next one. Lex glared after her. (Mercy only laughed. She had warned Lex about Harley, but he wouldn’t listen.) Out in the field Giganta had to toss Toymaker into the stands to retrieve the ball. Toymaker’s yelled, echoing a Wilhelm scream as he went flying into the seats. Joker waited for Harley a step away from home plate, his blue eyes sparkling with pleasure and pride as he watched Harley make her way around the bases. When she was close to home, he put his arms out for her. Harley jumped on homebase, wiggled her ass at Dr. Light, then at Lex before she ran into Joker’s waiting arms with a happy squeal. “Puddin!” 

Joker grabbed her up and spun her around laughing. “That’s my girl!!” 

Harley giggled, wrapping her arms around Joker, rubbing her nose against his with a happy smile “Did you like that puddin? I got a home run!” 

“Oh I like that a lot,” Joker murmured. “I’m so proud of my girl,” he whispered before he kissed her passionately. Harley made a soft groan of pleasure, both their caps being nearly knocked off as they kissed. Joker grabbed her ass under her skirt, growling against her mouth. 

Harley made a happy squeal wrapping her legs around Joker’s waist as he carried her back to the dugout. 

* 

In the stands Frost shook his head with a grin. “Oh boy…” 

Ecco frowned. “What is it?” 

Lark laughed. “Those in the dugout are about to be treated to a half-time show.” 

Ecco looked confused, but Frost shook his head. “Don’t worry about it, we can’t see anything from here.” 

* 

Bane stood up, picking up his bat as Joker carried Harley to the end of the dug out bench stopping long enough to grin at Bane while Harley kissed her way along his jaw. “You eat all those burritos before the game like I suggested?” Joker asked while Harley licked his throat and nibbled at his ear. 

“I did.” He grinned and touched his stomach. “Their catcher will not be happy with me.” 

Joker giggled. “Good, go get’em big boy!” 

Bane nodded and headed out to take his position at the plate. 

* 

Selina announced loudly. “Next up we have Bane!!! I wouldn’t want to be the one to catch a ball hit by that big guy!” 

Dr. Light slammed his fist angrily into his mitt as Bane took his position at the plate. He was getting tired of Joker and his team. Light frowned, considering Bane then gestured for Lex to throw a four seam fastball. 

Lex narrowed his eyes in thought before he nodded his agreement and stood up straight. 

Bane adjusted his stance on the plate, the bat looking ridiciously small in his hands, when suddenly he rip a loud fart that was aimed right at Dr. Light’s face, the expelling of gas going off the moment that Lex threw the ball. Dr. Light cried out, falling backwards on his ass and Bane hit Lex’s ball hard enough that he broke his bat, but the ball, which had hit the end of Bane’s bat shot up. 

The moment the bat shattered, the ball ricocheted backwards and slammed into Dr. Light’s face plate; between the flatulence and the hit, Dr. Light landed on his back. 

Selina’s voice was filled with laughter as she announced. “And the catcher is down!!” 

* 

In the dugout, Joker unbuttoned a couple of buttons on Harley’s top. He was kissing and nibbling at the top of her breasts when he stopped just as Bane took his position to bat. 

Harley whined. “Puddin!” 

“Hold on sweets, watch what Bane does…” Joker giggled, as he stood up. 

Harley wrapped herself around him and Joker carried her over to the lip of the dugout to look out at Bane. When Bane farted, the sound loud enough that the stadium echoed with it, followed by Dr. Light getting hit in the face with the ball, Joker started to laugh hard enough there were tears in his eyes. 

“That was beautiful!!” He struggled to hold his wife, continuing to laugh. “That joke went off perfectly!” 

Harley giggled. “That’s why he was eating all those burritos on the way here?” 

Joker nodded, unable to answer her because he was laughing too much. 

* 

Bane grinned looking back at Dr. Light who only groaned as Calculator stepped over to help the other man up. “Sorry about that…” Bane said, though there was no apology in his voice, only barely contained humor. 

Calculator gagged as he struggled to pull Light to his feet. “Oh my god what’s that smell?!” 

Bane smiled proudly. “Burritos.” 

* 

Bane hit the next ball thrown by Lex once it was determined that Light could still play. The hit was nothing spectacular--a pop fly just over Prankster’s head--but enough to get him on first base. Croc was next, the bat looking even more like a toy in his large clawed hands than in Bane’s. Croc hit the ball in a line drive that struck Giganta--right in the breast. The large woman screamed and dropped to her knees, holding her chest, while Croc ran to his base and for Bane to roll over second then to take third while everyone’s attention was on Gigianta. 

Selina announced. “And coming to the plate to bat is everyone’s tutu wearing sweetheart, BOB!” 

Bob, in the same uniform as everyone else except for the added green and purple tutu, pranced his way to the diamond. The big man missed on the first swing, which made everyone gasp as the big man’s face fell (no one, not even the villains of Metropolis liked to see Bob unhappy), but on the second swing Bob hit the ball. The look of joy on Bob’s face had everyone hooting for the big man. He skipped merrily to first base, his tutu bouncing happily with him. 

The Gotham Chucklers’ last batter before Joker came up again was Archie who walked slowly out to the plate dressed in the baseball uniform, but with the clown makeup still on his face. He looked miserable. 

“You think a ball to the face will kill me?” he asked no one in particular. 

Riddler yelled out. “Yes.” 

Archie grinned, one of the few times the depressed clown smiled as he turned around. “Really?” 

Crane nodded his agreement at Riddler. “Yes, your chances of dying are 73 percent in favor of your death if you’re hit with a foul ball.” 

“Awesome!” Archie smiled as he walked out to the plate with a spring in his step only to be disappointed mere moments later when he actually hit the ball and made it to first base, grumbling. 

“Fuck my life.” 

Crane glanced over at Joker and Harley with a slight frown. Joker had his cap turned around backwards on his head, his face pretty much buried in Harley’s cleavage with one hand cupping one of her breasts...but… 

“Joker...you’re up to bat,” Crane said softly. 

Harley moaned, biting her bottom lip, but her eyes slid over to Crane who smiled at her. “Sorry Harley dear, but it’s Joker’s turn at bat.” 

Harley nodded. “Yeah...okay...” She looked down at Joker, wincing with a look of pleasure on her face as he nibbled at the side of her breast and pinched her nipple. “Puddin...puddin...your turn at the bat.” 

Joker looked up blinking. “What?” 

“It’s your turn again.” She smiled, but Joker frowned. “Damn it, already? Fine.” He sighed playing the tips of his fingers along the edge of the red sports bra she wore under her uniform. 

“Pick this up later?” he asked with a pout. 

Harley giggled, turning his cap around for him. “‘Course puddin.” 

Joker grinned, stood up, and set Harley on her feet. He adjusted his pants, looking down. “Mr. Happy’s awake…” Joker giggled before kissing his wife on the tip of her nose. 

Riddler shook his head as Joker walked by. “You two are disgusting.” 

“Oh pipe down Peewee,” Joker muttered, grabbing up his bat and heading out onto the plate. 

Once at the plate, Joker smiled at Lex. “Hey Lexie, how are you doing? What’s the score? And just in the first inning?” 

Lex scowled. “Just shut up and play.” 

Joker stuck his tongue out and hit the ball that Lex threw, but as Joker ran for first, Archie took off. Prankster caught the ball just before Archie reached the base. Archie stopped, Prankster grinned, and the two men danced back and forth for a few seconds until Archie threw his hands in the air. 

“Oh, fucking tag me already!” Archie walked over and grabbed Prankster’s gloved hand and slammed it against his chest. “There!” he groused before he turned and stomped off. 

Lex grinned at Joker. “Ha, two out.” 

Joker narrowed his eyes. “Two…” 

They both turned at Riddler came up to bat. 

Joker groaned, throwing his arms up to the night sky that he couldn’t see. “Why have I been cursed!” 

Riddler yelled at Joker. “You invited me, ya stupid clown!” 

Joker paused. “Oh I did, didn’t I...what is wrong with me?” 

Mercy laughed. 

Riddler missed with his first swing, but his second was a foul. The ball went flying off to the right. Banshee went chasing after the ball. It hit the ground, and she leaned down to grab the ball, but it hopped up her glove and into her face to smash her nose. Banshee yelped and fell backwards. 

“Oooh…” Joker laughed. “Ouch!!” 

Selina added over the loud speaker. “A lot of ladies are getting nose jobs tonight!” 

Riddler muttered trying again, but again he struck out with a simple slow ball. 

Joker made a face, muttering to Mercy. “I’m a fucking idiot for putting Eddie on my team.” 

Mercy chuckled. “Well, every team has an Eddie, I suspect ours is going to be Toymaker.” She indicated the short man, pointing with her shoulder. He looked slightly the worse for wear from his catapult into the stands by Giganta, though as he started to walk off the field he wobbled a bit. 

Joker laughed. “Probably right. Well...” He patted Mercy on the shoulder. “Good luck.” 

Mercy smiled. “Good luck to you too.” 

“I don’t need luck.” Joker chuckled as he started to walk off the field. “I got Harley, she’s all the luck I need.” 

Mercy frowned and realized she was just a little bit jealous of Joker and Harley. 

* 

Lex’s team headed into their dugout and Joker’s team took the field with Joker on the pitcher’s mound. He glanced over at Harley who was playing short stop and gave her a wink which made her giggle. He wrinkled his nose playfully and turned his attention to their catcher Archie, who had asked Joker to try and nail him in the head with at least one of his pitches, which he had no intention of doing, but it would make the little clown feel better if he thought he stood a chance of dying. To facilitate his demise, Archie chose not to wear his catcher’s mask on top of his head. A fastball thrown by Joker right in the forehead might do the trick. 

Lex came out onto the plate with his bat, swinging it around a few times to warm up when the first drops of rain began to fall. 

Joker looked up with a frown. 

Everyone looked up at the same time as the drops of rain began to fall with a little more aggression, coming down in a heavy wave within seconds. 

Lex called out. “We’re only supposed to get spotty showers! If we wait it out, we can resume the game!” 

Selina asked from the announcers booth. “If we’re taking a break please tell me someone has beer!” 

Joker laughed. “That’s fine Lexi!” He turned rushing over to Harley and grabbed her hand. “Now, where were we a few minutes ago.” 

Harley smirked. “You were congratulating me on my homerun.” 

“Oh that’s right...I was…”Joker took her hand and pulled her toward the dug out.


End file.
